Monday, June 24, 1963
Dear life,
With each passing moment a bit older, a bit wiser, a bit more mellow.
Within time of two weeks Al & I have not physically embraced in loveness?. It has been difficult [illegible], accepting a [illegible] attitude.
Four & a half months physical harmony! I thought I had problems! Now, there is no physical communication. Being involved as a contributory party when along take another course of naturally assumed a [illegible] of responsibility. I assumed all sorts of things. Al said he was content, [illegible] he [illegible] I want to take part in [two words illegible].
Mon., June 24, 1963
Is his interest in me gone? He no longer cares? Have I conformed to much to his will then? making me not as interesting, [illegible] I now [two words illegible] of my [illegible]? Does he want me to leave? Is his [two words illegible] affair which are [illegible] active explore indiscretion? enclosing his [illegible] for a time, a time of [two words illegible] only? Or has he finally grown tired as he [illegible] of the [illegible] he [three words illegible] any relationship?
The answer is not really complicated! It only appears that way. First why did I feel so emotionally [illegible] is excuse I’ve given up all that I have been for the entanglement of [two words illegible].
Monday, June 24, 1963
Al, a man simple yet quite complex. I love him as much as I have loved in the past: George, Bobby, Robert, Stuccy(?) And John. I love him as much and probably more than reality will show, & than those of the unpredictable future.
Yes, man has free will in & about the web of his environment, but alone, he is affected by his part & [illegible] by the total environment. Situations are not out of hand. Again, they only appear in [illegible] a state. There is nothing to fear, but fear itself. And when there is a lack of logical reasoning, thinking, [illegible] to a point of realistic [illegible] fear evolves, engulfing all associated into mans confusion of nonrelated [illegible] segments, pieces of a puzzle, a puzzle [illegible].
Al, to me, is a loving, kind, unforgetful man. Loving I can [two words illegible] also and unforgetful because of his connection with yesterday [illegible]. To him, they are as real as today. I have felt him leaving. Why? Because once before I gave completely, wholly to forget all [two words illegible] gain. [two words illegible] not through [illegible] info, but really through subtle action. [illegible] life [illegible]. Now, physical reflection of one I love [illegible] at the wound. It stings and burns. [illegible] life is then open, exposed to contamination. The wound is [two words illegible].
Monday, June 24, 1963
With scar [two words illegible] have been abandoned. Although the wound appears healed physical [illegible] has been removed. And I feel [illegible].
I have considered leaving. This [illegible] contemplation & [illedible] effort of Al I have decided not to do. It would [illegible] from [illegible] this [illegible] relationship. I want to be with Al. There is still a yearning for him although the physical interaction has been removed. He is as good to me as he can be. This I appreciate not because there is need (of which there is a great deal of), not because I recognize and am [illegible] of his attention, his concern. [illegible] than my needy him, I want to be needed. This is no longer [illegible] physically at the moment.
Dr. Carl Duncan and Patricia Whiting Collection (SJSU)
